Friday, October 5, 2018

One time here I took a walk in the woods with one of the witches in my life. We were talking about change and waiting for lightning to strike. When lightning strikes it is an act of god, isn't it?

Isn't it? 

I am still deeply attached to the idea that it could all be binary; zeros and ones; pluses and minuses. Because then the math could be done in real time with a human brain. I could sort it out, complete it. With answers, then I could finally be a professional and maybe even go back and join the work force. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to hurry up and be an adult.

But the conversation in the woods. Catherine has very long hair and excellent clothes. She thinks and sings. I asked her why we get stuck. She said we often fail to consider the simplest solutions because we're in love with our own creativity; desperately attached to our individual potential to invent radically new and elegant solutions. One half of me believes this (+), one half does not (-). 

Hubris. You might try to get around it all with magic or luck or god or mystery -- call it what you will. You might throw a coin in a fountain, sacrifice a lamb.

I moved to the farm, packed up the last permanent vestiges of Saipua in NYC and arrived with a van full spilling at the brim with black trash bags full of my fancy clothes, plants teetering precariously on top, a bicycle wedged in between, the last of my drycleaning hanging from the spokes. 

At the farm last week, awhirl with friends and autumn activity I found myself slinking around secretly watching the Kavananaugh hearings on my phone thinking why can't the world just be better? The most obvious answer is the simple one right in front of you. We all know what happened; the difference seems to be whether or not you are willing to excuse it.  Crouched in the stairwell of the farmhouse just out of earshot from a group of our weird women having lunch I watched Senator Graham vehemently defend the tenants of white male power and I thought to myself: this American experiment is in the ugly end stages, so I might as well stop looking at the news and just focus on building my own government.

Which is we're up to.

*FINE PRINT: I realize there are a lot of rumors surrounding Saipua lately (or I'm just a narcissist?) so I might take a minute to address a few of them: 

- We're still florists (and soapmakers). We still make flowers for weddings/parties, although I reserve the right to continually change the business to best suit me and the people who work closest to me. Someone said they heard we only work with budgets of $250K and up which I laughed at, the truth is we still work with all budgets for clients who truly want what we offer which is fiercely seasonal flowers arranged in vases, in water. Which is to say we don't build flower walls, or do any obscene installations with anthuriums and flower foam. God bless those who do.

- I have not had a nervous breakdown, or a mid life crisis as my barn builder called it recently. Though I reserve the right to one at any time. I do like drama, and I do like to throw everything up in the air and shoot at it which is arguably what I've done for the last 12 months. The only way to really good change, I might add.

- I'm not a communist, though I do believe that everyone should have access to beauty, good food and experiences in nature regardless of their socioeconomic standing. 

- We're not starting a cult. Although I do love power, and color coordinated teams of people - cult culture scares the shit out of me. I don't like drugs, I don't like meditating, and I don't like group singing.

- Lastly, I did delete my instagram account. More on this someday, but meanwhile I will try to write more here, share more photos here and if you'd like to reach me - email me at 


Shelley said...

Dry cleaning?

Anonymous said... have really returned....Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

Great to hear what you have to say, again.

jillyg said...

I’ve read all your most recent posts, in reverse order to this one, and I’m so glad to read your words. I can’t describe how much it encourages me to really imagine life / power / femininity in new ways. Like not just sort of reforming, but asking what is true and needed in the world.Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading the blog for years - and I'm still enamored by it. -Your ability to have gone "all-in" on the type of life I've dreamed of. It is easy for those of us with nothing on the line, those of us not chasing our dreams - to turn around and misplace our heartache on those, like you, that are working the goddamn life you were given. Doesn't make any of it right. And it certainly doesn't make any of it true.

If you only want to take large budgets - take large budgets. If you only want to take people absolutely in love with your work, then do that. No one gets to tell you to settle for mediocrity and half-hearted ANYTHING.